I spend too much time thinking writing and not sharing these bits that I am not paid for
Many are unaware of how this writing has blessed my life not just in a monetary sense but in every way this writing has been a release a way to say one of the million things at any given time that may be going through me. The writing here allows me to sit and focus because those of you that know me know I am a ball of energy and I see that I must release. I can only workout so much in a day so to sit and focus it in one place I am either making love to my wife or itching inside because there is something my soul wants me to say.
I share me here so much and still this is only 55% of me my wife says I can say everything and nothing when I speak.
So this thing may have typos sometimes who knows, I forget to spell check sometimes. Forgive me for those I am surely not the one who purposely ignore typos but I am about to just write what I write without so much thought I will let it flow.
One of the hardest things is sitting here and stating the truth, there are so many thoughts rolling through my head at one time, I can think myself out of anything I can make things that make no sense at all into something, I can turn something into nothing with this one little tool called my mind.
I have written ten books and none of them have been published because I cannot get out of my own way, I cannot stop stopping myself in my own tracks, I cannot stop its like a rolling train called my thoughts. I have come to realize that I get trapped in my head and instead of seeing what is out of my eyes, I see whatever I am thinking about instead.
If I ever could just say all the things that I wanted to say maybe then the thoughts about these things could not so easily take me away. I know how to find peace but that is a place that I do not know how to stay. Its happens every single time, my thoughts come and I am whisked away into my mind. I try my best, the abyss is a place I would like to forget but keeping myself out is a lesson that I have not mastered yet.
I try, I try and I try so hard sometimes I break down and cry. I find myself asking why I end up in darkness when I am surrounded by light but there are so many factors that go into what we see in our lives, it can become a complicated thing that I am trying to leave alone so that I can one day get my wings. I end up in pain because I take myself back to times when I could have gone insane but clearly times have changed but that is what my eyes see and I am looking out of my brain.
Its a cycle that I am stuck in I have lost before the battle ever begins because as soon as I let it in I am stuck in its winds, taken away from the brighest days, walking the straight and narrow now I am stuck in a maze. All this is going on in my head when this place should be calm while I let the chaos go on in the world instead. I know the truth, I know I end up letting my imagination make me look like a fool when it should be my secret weapon and my favortie tool, I learned how to use this thing way back in school but I am far from that little boy, I imagine the wrong things like grown ups do.
I am working on it all, I plan on correcting it or at least taming it before the last time my eye lids fall, I want you to be able to say my name and I instantly hear your call because I am sitting there aware with my thoughts off. I am trying my best to master my time to meditate and control my mind. I pray as I try my best to change because my mind is winning too often and I am tired of playing its same silly games.
I will know I have arrived when its my soul that I have allowed to drive, when I take my hands off the wheel but gripping it tighter and focusing on the way it feels, the here and now is where you belong oh yes its a big deal because every second you are whisked away you are closer to the seconds to the hour to the day to the moment in time when your soul takes it new place so while you are here you need to be here and fully occupy this time and space you may not know it but your mind can steal your time away.
Carl The Muse.