One of the greatest lessons that I learned in losing my mother and my brother and a whole host of others that I would spend the rest of my years trying to tell you about these wonderful souls that I have been blessed to know.
The thing that I have learned in all this loss is gain. I gained perspective, I gained a real sense of here and now. I have always been one to sit in the sun and let the wind blow upon my face, I have always been able to stop and stare, however now it is no longer just sometimes now in every moment and every thing I do, I take the time to take the time.
These days I do not pray and ask for much after so many days of turmoil suddenly I know that I should just be thanking God for my peace for my life, for what I have. The more that I have gone through the more that I have received gifts that only God could bestow upon me.
I have been able to slow down, to smile at those around me, my passion is now just something that fuels my compassion and not the other way around. I lost my mother here on earth but I hear her in my head telling me to do this and to go that way instead.
I feel blessed, I am not a child, I am a man, A man with a family that I love dearly, we wake up to the sound of waves, we watch the sunset from our bed. Despite all the turmoil God has provided me with a peace that I only needed to open my eyes to see.
I had my mother for all of my years and there is a child who never did. I loved my brother, and there is somewhere who has never met theirs, so while I have loved and lost. I have gained because the memories remain, how can I complain when someone somewhere has it worse than me because like I said when I look outside I do not see darkness surrounding me.
I have been running, I have been swimming, I have been making love, I have been randomly keeping my kids home so that I can take them out and show them what they mean to me. I have fallen in love with my wife again somehow for the millionth time because over the years we have changed but the core of the woman and man remain and whatever is there it is there and we know what that is, Its called LOVE.
We have been going to sleep at four in the morning because we spend all night up together like we just met. I pick up my kids from school and I rejoice because the moment they get back in the car with me I know that I am blessed.
I anticipate my wife coming home in a way that I hope she realizes by the things that I do. I find myself right where I need to be living and operating at the center of me. I am letting my love do the leading and my brain is being used for reading. I am no longer thinking about what I should do, now I am thinking about the fact that I did it.
I have put the love, the faith, the testimony and all that I have been blessed with to use, I have been standing in the light opening my mouth and my soul to those around me, I am slowing down, not to a crawl, I am just no longer powered by fire, now I am powered by the water and the winds, I am a sail boat going where God wants me to go.
I am in place ready and willing to go where the winds take me. God has not taken a thing from me, he has given me the world and then some. My mother did not die, she is now free, and while I am still here on this planet she is still living through me and these wonderful seeds for I am just a testimony for all the things that all these wonderful people have put inside of me.
I appreciate the time that I had with all those souls that loved me and shared time and space with me, I was being blessed with every moment and it was simply for me to see. I know now when I pick up my kids that I should be happy and so now they are greeted in a way that lets them know that these moments are moments, I want them to remember what I do and how I am to them so that they give what I gave them to their kids.
I pray for years, I want to be here long enough to be there for the birth of my grandchildren, I want to take my grandchildren to the park while I sit and watch them and think of moments like this when it was just a dream and then I want to do just what I do now.
I look forward to the future, I look forward to right now, I am happy, I am in love, I am loved, I eat well, I live in paradise and the beauty of life is all I can see out of my eyes.
Death taught me that, Pain taught me that, The lessons have to be learned, the blessings have to be earned, every step and every move that you make is special if you make it so. There are so many cliches about time, the one thing I know about time or the thing that I thought I knew is that the control is not mine.
Did I say I feel blessed? That is how I have been, I have a million things to share and I will do my duty and use this platform to freely share it, even if just three souls find some truth and perspective from my testimony, then I have done for them what so many others have done for me.
Carl The Muse is just a manifestation, My mom always said, baby, I am proud of you Carl, you are really really a man, and knowing that my love rules me, I can say that I am.
My feet are firmly planted, I know where to stand.